The Tribal Way

Finding Peace

I recently read something that rang very true with me.

"PEACE does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work.  It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart."

I’ve lived a very peaceful life over the last several months.   I’ve tried to not generate much noise myself, get into any unwarranted trouble, and of course, worked hard – both personally and professionally.  And even with some very major life changes over the last year, life was peaceful. 

I have always said that I love waking up with a smile, and not in a rush or panic about what I needed to get done that day.  Over the last several months, I have liked going to bed after having reflected on the day, realizing that it had been a good day.  Some days were better than others, but one thing that was consistent was about the start and end of the day – they were both in peace.

Looking back, my conscious being was quite grounded.  I was living a simple life, slowing down my thoughts.  I hadn’t necessarily reduced things I did, I just didn’t think about them as much.  I stopped watching the news, choosing to read instead about what was going on – giving me the ability to choose what I wanted to let in.

I found myself in admiration of the beauty in the world.  Nature, rain, people, traits, a loving embrace or a hug… there was a lot of goodness in the world.  And the only way I was able to look at life that way, was by accepting the fact that my life was only meaningful when it was connected to my tribe.  I was able to form a community, a tribe I could be a part of.    Not a tribe I led, or controlled – just one where I could be.  My community had my friends, family, colleagues – and the purpose of the tribe was care, support, and companionship.

I was happy being a part of a larger community, where I chose to have my opinions, but was also able to accept those of others.  I was able to accept that I was wrong at work at times, had to apologize for my behaviors in my social life, and accept challenges with dignity.  Instead of finding issues with things that didn't go my way, I was able to take it as a lesson on what I needed to learn about my own behavior and traits.

It sure sounds like I was just being, but the amazing part is the fact that I, along with members of my tribe, been able to accomplish more in the last year than I have in a long time.  The end results have been far better, measured by any yardstick.

I never know what I’ll write about when I start, and I simply let my thoughts flow.  I am sure the reason for the text above is because I feel like my peace is being challenged in some way.  It could be because maybe I’ve been trying to not accept what my inner being was telling me, and wanting things to go my way, on my time ☺.  Maybe the answer lies in being a little more humble, and getting my thoughts away from my own self, and onto someone else who I could be of help to.

I miss some things about the noise, the trouble, and the hard work as it used to be.  At times I miss the loudness of a noisy restaurant on a Thursday night with the fellow revelers.  At times, I miss the pride and recognition that came with the thought of being someone –without my tribal identity.  At times, I miss being able to be a complete brat.

But in all honesty, my tribal life - with a select group of friends, loving family, and the ability to trudge through life with them, hand in hand – gives me something I crave the most and am not willing to trade – peace.

Sweet Nothing!!!

It’s Monday morning, and I haven’t had a weekend like I just had in a long, long time.  It felt very balanced, and I feel simply wonderful.

I heard someone read out an article yesterday titled “Sweet Nothing.”  It spoke of how our lives today have become so rushed, that we barely have time to enjoy the little things in life.  We rush from one place to another, one person to another, and are always on the move – if not physically, then emotionally. 

I thought about my life just a year ago.  I was “busy” all day.  I wanted to be busy all day.  I wouldn’t know how else to be? 

I took immense pride in being busy.  I envied people who were busier than I was, and those that could manage to take time out of their busy lives.  I knew I shouldn’t add more to my plate, but I felt I could handle it, and I craved being busier – or was it the sigh after a long period of being busy that I craved?  I got angry with myself for not being busy enough, and for being too busy?  Being busy was the way to being successful, but yet, I would only get busy right before a deadline, because it made me feel highly productive, even though I had been procrastinating for a few days.

I got to think a little about what exactly kept me so busy.  And I realized that it wasn’t that I was busy in my entirety, I felt busy because my mind seemed to constantly be in motion, or in the process of thinking about being in motion.  My body was simply trying to keep up with the mind, since it didn’t have a mind of it’s own?

I was reminded yesterday of life when I was a 12 year old.  I would come back from school, and when asked – What did I do all day?  What did I want for dinner?  What homework did I need to work on?  What was I thinking about?  My true response was “Nothing”.  I just wanted to be.  I was happy to just be.  Being was good enough. 

How was it that in my formative years, I was accepting of just the way things were?  How was I able to not have to entertain every thought, not respond to every thought, not act or resist acting on – every thought?  I was able to have the thought be just that – not a command to get busy working on it!!!

I don’t know for sure, but I’d sure like to have some of that back.  I realize I have responsibilities now that I didn’t have before, and life as a young adult is not the same as life as a teen.  But reading what I just wrote above, being “BUSY” reminds me of the seven deadly sins, and being accepting reads like true happiness.  I realize these are 2 extremes, and I need to balance my life along the spectrum somewhere.

Like giving up chocolate for lent, allowing my mind to not want to act on every thought or feeling, giving it a break for a short period of time every so often?

The Road to New Beginnings

A good friend recently sent me an article that said – “Life is a collage of beginnings and endings that run together like still-wet paint”.  Interesting choice of words, I must say, but very apropos.

As I look back on my life, I can relate to the “still-wet paint”.  There were times when the colors from before helped shape and transform the new colors.  There were times however, when I needed the wet paint to dry before I could paint over or alongside, for the old colors would seep through otherwise. 

Over the last month, I’ve had the opportunity to do both.  In my personal life, where I’d been waiting for the paint to dry with regards to one aspect of my identity, I recently tested the old color, and it didn’t rub off on my hands.  It felt good to see the canvas for what it was, and accept it with a smile.  It’s ready for splashes of new color now, and I can’t wait for a sunny day to start throwing some colors at it and see what comes of it.

In my professional life, the old colors always seep in or bleed into the new, which is all a learning experience I guess.  On the road to new beginnings, I’m collaborating with a few like-minded individuals to paint the next canvas together.  We recently started a new software venture, TECHTRIBEnetworks, which is our way of sharing what we found when we started to define our own identities.

There’s something to be said about acting on an idea, believing in it strongly enough to take risks, and having faith that as long as we do our part, everything will be just OK.  TECHTRIBE was just an idea a mere 2 months ago, being discussed by the four of us at a Starbucks.  Over the last 6 weeks, the idea has become more real that any of us could have ever imagined.  We’ve accomplished more in the last 6 weeks than we did with the help of 40 other people over a year in the past, possibly because we were willing to act on it.  Possibly because we’re energized.  Because we have faith and very little fear.

But there’s still a long way to go.  While the initial response has been very strong, we always have to remember that there’s not much we can control outside of our own actions. This requires a trust that runs deeper than just expecting things to turn out the way we want them to. Sometimes they will, and sometimes they won't. We develop equanimity and grace as we are learning to trust that, with the guiding hand of the universe, life will unfold exactly the way it should.

As a good friend of mine said when they saw the initial concept – this is radical, or "RAD" since they’re from southern california where "radical" would be too simple, and being hip is part of their identity.  Form your own opinions at http://www.techtribe.com  … and feel free to share them with us.

Brussels Sprouts for Dessert?

I was recently reading an article by Deepak Chopra where he speaks about “knowing that the world out there reflects our reality in here.”  I’ve always believed that we project our inner thoughts onto others, and the feelings of love and hate are simply reflections of our own comfort with ourselves.

So of course, on the bus ride to work this morning, I put on my headphones, snuggled into my comfort zone of my music, and started to think about things about my fellows that I admire.  Just thinking of people I’d been in touch with over the last week, I found myself smiling, quite a bit actually, possibly because it made me feel good on the inside about my fellow tribers.

I made a list, as best I could, of positive traits, attitudes, incidents, behaviors, actions… that had left an impression on me.  When I reviewed the list later, I realized there were a few that clearly stood out, and there was a definite theme.  One other fact that glared at me was while these were characteristics that I admired in my fellows, I rarely, if ever, gave them any feedback on it.  I don’t mean formal feedback, but just some kind of note to say – “I like this about you”, or “That was nice of you to do/say”.

Over dinner last night, a friend, who’s off chocolate for a few weeks, was faced with a table of 12 people talking incessantly about how good the hot molten lava chocolate was at this restaurant.  I can only imagine what my friend felt, but truly admired their ability to focus on the positive in life – which happened to be the delicious brussels sprouts in honey, which would do just fine.

It’s strange to me, for I never know what little behavior or action I consider admirable any given day.  Some days I admire one's ability to honestly communicate what's going on in their life, some days all it takes is how they took a minute to thank the check-out person at the grocery store.  At times I truly admire the logo and page design of a website, and at times, how someone can go through  a severe personal tragedy, and yet open up to friends and even manage a smile.

Many a times, I’ve thought I should let people know how their expressions and actions affect my own life in a positive way, but I’ve found that I always get caught up in what their reaction to my feedback might be.  What if they think it’s silly?  What if they don’t even remember saying/doing that?  What if they mistake my comment to be something else?  My mind can come up with many more.

So I’m going to do what I did when I was 12.  Not worry about these deeper thoughts and analysis.  I will simply say what’s on my mind, and not worry about much more.  Feedback doesn’t have to be analyzed... it can simply be our initial reaction to something we see, read, or experience, put into a few words.  Like vanilla ice-cream to go with the yum Brussels sprouts.

Is Casting Stereotypes a part of our Identity?

I recently saw the film that won the best picture award at the Oscars – Crash.  Now, I’m the kind who mostly watches films for entertainment value only, but this film had me relating to each of the characters even though they were portrayed as individuals with deep racial stereotypes.  I couldn’t help but think about the stereotypes I seem to have cast in life as well, and ask myself if it is natural for us to do so.

Being an Indian who spent a majority of my life in the United States, I consider myself fortunate that I didn’t have to face any prejudice due to my ethnicity.  There was one incident, a month after the attacks on the world trade center, when I was asked to go through extra security at an airport when the gate agent read my name on the boarding pass.  But I attribute that to fear and not prejudice.

In fact, if am completely honest with myself, I’ve behaved in a similar manner when faced with similar conditions.  Have I not offered an extra prayer when I’ve noticed a few suspicious looking men for a particular region or country sitting together on a flight?  Have I not thought of changing seats on a bus when a bunch of teenage kids dressed a certain way boarded my section?  Have I not smiled and offered a thank you to the gods of luck when a beautiful blonde took the seat next to me on a red-eye flight?

It seems to me that a big part of our identity is defined by the community we are part of as a result of our birth and upbringing – what I call the black and white of our identity.   We spend our lives defining the rest of the colors, via our interests, our friends, our professions, and our choices.

Along the path of defining the colors of our own identity through our experiences in life, we seem to also define how we react to the identity of others around us – forming shades of gray, based on our knowledge of mostly their black and white identity. Is this the reason for our natural reaction to others, and why it is difficult to shed our pre-conceived opinions?

I am not sure if it is in our basic nature to accept things as they are, and not try and impose our will on others.  I could offer my defenses for each of the situations I mention above, but it all comes down to me not being able to see the identities of others as presented, and wanting to see them through the colored lenses of my own identity. 

Going back to the film, what I admired most about it was the fact that even though the characters portrayed had cast strong stereotypes of others, I couldn’t get myself to judge them.  I felt myself being very understanding of their emotions and thoughts, almost to the point where it wouldn’t be a huge stretch to say that their views were justified – knowing that they weren’t. 

Anyway, as far as acceptance goes for me, in a discussion with a friend late last night, I came to a realization that if life didn’t get any better than it is today, I’d be perfectly ok with it.  My friend didn’t agree with me of course, but then she’d just turned 30.

Identity - An Abstract Painting of Life?

Work got the better of me over the last 3 weeks, but I expect to blog more consistently moving forward.  As expected, after my 2 week trip to India, getting home to San Francisco and settling back at work took a little getting used to.

On the 20 hour flight back, I started to reflect on my life in its entirety.  That led to a few weeks of deeper reflection in an attempt to discover who I had really been, and who I was today.  I’ve always considered myself to be somewhat philosophical, but truly looking back on life – and putting pen to paper was a very interesting experience.

I had a chance to reflect on the earliest memories of my childhood, experiences with the extended family, my adolescent years, the terrible teens…. you get the idea.  It was like I was writing a biography, one that probably no one was ever going to read.  It was written solely for my own reading and reflection.

One of the things that struck me – I had been a complex, yet a very simple individual.  My identity could only be defined by the collection of various facets or colors of my life, and no single person could truly say “They Knew Me”.  Sure, there were colors of my identity that people closest to me had seen, and there were others that people who barely knew me had been a part of.  But, there was no one person who could claim that they had seen or heard of it all, and there was no part of my life that wasn’t shared with someone else.

I asked myself – are the various colors of my identity tied to various circles of trust?  Circles that intersect, but never overlap? Or maybe I had just been doing a lot of abstract painting of my life, extremely abstract.  No brush, no paint, no canvas, just thinking about it?

Either way, even though the result wasn’t something that I could proudly display above my fireplace, it was something I could hold on to, because it was my TRUE IDENTITY – as defined today. 

What I found was that my life in some ways had been very simple – awesome childhood, loving parents, great schooling, professional and material success – I had been very fortunate.  In other ways, life had been incredibly complex in each of the stages of my life.  As I dug deeper, being completely honest with myself about each memory, each incident, each action, each reaction, I began to appreciate the complex life we live on the inside.  I began to appreciate the power of our thoughts, and realized how my thinking had led me to make the biggest mistakes in my life, and to the sweetest victories. 

The other fact I faced was- given that my thoughts have and will continue to drive my actions, does it make sense to establish various circles of trust to bounce some of the thoughts off?  Does is make sense for me to share some of the thoughts with people who know about that color of my identity?  Or do I rely for the most part on my conscience and inner being like Malcolm Gladwell suggests in “BLINK”…….

And while my life TODAY doesn’t necessarily touch most of the colors of my identity, having gone though the exercise over the last few weeks, I have a better idea of how I have acted and reacted to situations in life, and I have the ability to use that experience to shape my identity over the years to come. 

Maybe, with time, I can put paint to canvas, and paint my life with colors of my past that I’d like to see shine.  And while the painting will most likely still be very abstract, and probably not for display to the world -- I like the idea of having the ability to share it with a few people.