The Tribal Way

Our Identity – Integrating Our Many Selves

So I haven’t had a chance to journal on this site for a few weeks.  Work got the better of me over the last few weeks, and it seems like almost everything but the professional side of my life got suppressed.

I just read an article that spoke about how our identity is made up of the sum total of our many traits and values and our character. Each of us possesses within us many different selves. There is the adult part of ourselves and the childlike spirit that resides in each one of us. There is our masculine side and our feminine side. There is the hard worker in us, the artist, the parent, and the caretaker. All of these selves combined form a well-rounded, complex person. Not all of these different aspects of who we are blend easily with each other, however, and some of them may even conflict with or oppose one another. When a person's different parts clash, such as the self that is our childlike aspect and the self that is our responsible adult, we often end up compartmentalizing or suppressing one of these aspects to ease the conflict. While this may make us feel better in the short run, we would be better off finding a way for these two selves to coexist peacefully inside us. Though some of our selves may be dominant while others rarely assert themselves, attempts to suppress one or more of these different aspects can leave us feeling that our identity has been splintered.

I couldn’t agree more with what I read.  I’ve written in the past about my fascination with the human identity, and how the various facets or colors of our identity truly define who we are.  What started off as a fascination and a social interest has turned into a new venture, one that we’re immensely passionate about. 

I must admit I still struggle a little with integrating the various parts to a point where I feel completely comfortable.  While I don’t see myself suppressing any color of my identity, there are times when I pay more attention to one of the colors, resulting in a sense of longing for the other colors.  Lately, as I said, I’ve been focusing on my professional life more than anything else, and while I know deep down I haven’t lost my childlike ability to laugh at myself and at life, I haven’t done so in a while. 

At a lunch with a friend recently, he told me about how he has a practice of “scheduling his priorities”, different from prioritizing his schedule.  In his life, he looked at the various roles he played in his life, synonymous with the colors of his identity, and made sure that he scheduled time for each of the roles, so not one role took priority over the other, causing the sense of longing I mention.  I liked the idea, and completely agreed with it, but in practice, I haven’t done that over the last few weeks.

Don’t get me wrong.  While I realize that I haven’t spent time on certain aspects of my life, I’m very pleased with the areas I have focused on, and the results.  In the last month, TECHTRIBE has grown to twice it’s size, we’ve moved to our new offices in downtown San Francisco, received validation we couldn’t have dreamed possible at this stage, and the energy level and commitment from the team has been unparalleled.  And we’ve managed to achieve our goals without sacrificing or suppressing any other aspects of our individual and tribal identities.  We haven’t needed to resolve a conflict between the various colors of our identities.  And we continue to have fun.

I’m realizing that being able to successfully integrate our various selves can be as simple as accepting and embracing each one. It may also be necessary to reframe the way we see them. The immature self that we ridicule can become a valued and accepted part of us when redefined as our more playful aspect.

When our many selves blend together to form an integrated individual, we feel changed. We no longer feel pulled in multiple directions, and don’t feel like we have to deny any part of ourselves. We become a complete person - familiar and comfortable with the many selves that make up the person we are. 

And being comfortable with myself, for me personally, is a great feeling - one that I hope never to lose.

Bless the Broken Road

Someone from my past recently pointed me towards a song, a country song?, which I could completely relate to.  The song went…

“I set out on a narrow way, many years ago
Hoping I would find true love, along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
wipe my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign, pointed straight to you”

I’ve never been into country music, and the very thought of being able to relate my life to a country song is scary to say the least, but I couldn’t but help think about signs in our lives that keep us on our path.

In one of my recent posts, I had written about Personal Legends.  And the fact that if I want something in life, the entire universe conspires in helping me achieve it.  I believe now that the universe often relays messages to us through signs.  I used to be so busy that I wasn’t able to stop and consider what may or may not be a sign.  I’ve realized since that it is necessary to pay attention to the little details in life, and open my heart and mind to the universe and invite the guidance into my life.

Along the journey of life so far, I’ve come across several people, who have played a role in shaping my life to where it is today.  As the song suggests, they’ve been like northern stars, pointing me towards my path.  As I think of all these people in my life that I’ve had a personal, professional, or tangential relationship with, i realize that each and every one of them has helped me become who I am, get to where I am, and for that I’m forever grateful.

Some of these relationships resulted in many happy times, while some caused a lot of pain.  In some, I grew a lot, in others I caused a lot of pain.  Looking back at each of these relationships, thinking of the fond and painful memories, there isn’t one that I can’t attribute some part of my successes and my learning to. 

Each experience in a personal relationship has revealed more about my own self.  Things I liked in others were things I aspired for, things I disliked were a reflection of my own shortcomings.  Each professional relationship has helped me mature as an individual, not only acquiring skills that I leverage today, but recognizing the challenges I face in certain areas of my life.

I can honestly say that were it not for the people in my life, past and present, I wouldn’t be as happy today, nor would my life be so full. 

The person who was the catalyst behind me leaving grad school to pursue a career in software, and the person I met at that company, who had faith in me to trust me with huge responsibilities at a later date setting in motion the upswings, believing in me when I probably wouldn’t.  The failure I experienced at one startup, teaching me more about corporate finance than I would’ve learnt.  Each one of these situations has truly been a guiding star, leading to today, where I am living my dream.

In my personal life, there have been individuals who have loved me unconditionally, a few that broke my trust when I was a young adult, some that were with me during my most amazing life experiences, some that I held resentments towards, and some that I was hurtful to.  If I truly look back, each of these experiences were directly responsible in shaping my “Identity” today. 

I’ve since forgiven the people who broke my trust, and am willing to ask for forgiveness where I was at fault.  Because, as the song goes,

“Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way, into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you”

Had it not been for these individuals along the broken road, I would not get to where I am today.  Today, I know how to be a friend among friends, a worker among workers,  and simply a member of a family.  I’m learning how to live a tribal life, and for that I am grateful to a lot of people.  They’re in part responsible for the peace, serenity, and happiness that I experience – today!

What’s my Personal Legend?

I just finished reading a great book about our dreams in life.  A part that stuck out for me was the concept of a “Personal Legend” – which, according to the author, is what we've always wanted to accomplish in life.

As most things do, the idea of a personal legend got me thinking.  When I was younger, I think I knew what my personal legend was.  As I’ve grown, I’m sure I’ve gone through times when I’d answer that question very differently.  I’ve always had dreams… but to me, part of maturity was realizing that dreams were just that, and what I thought was a personal legend was unattainable and impossible.

Now, if I was to answer the question today, could I?  What is my Personal Legend?

The easiest to answer is the question as it relates to my professional life.  Two months into techTRIBE, I would like nothing more than to achieve the goals we set out for.  They are definitely achievable.

Outside of the professional life, I’d like accomplishments related to family, friends, possessions, experiences, learning, and passions.   I am sure I’ve missed a few areas, but you get the idea.  I’ve always thought that I should have a family that shows me the way of life, and where I can find unconditional love.  I’ve always wanted friends who I could count on for support and silliness.  Possessions is a little more interesting since I’ve wanted so much in life.  I could go on for a bit.

A funny thing happened as I was writing this.  Being a little bit of a perfectionist, I jotted down on a sheet of paper, examples of what I’d want in my list of personal legends.  As I wrote them down, I realized something, which opened my eyes a little.

I HAVE a family that has been a guiding light.  They’ve done the very best they could to guide me through life, while allowing me to develop my own identity.

I HAVE friends who are fun, caring, annoying, and sassy – all within an hour at times.  These are people who are there with me, along the roads of everyday life.

I HAVE no such desire for new possessions, and am mostly content with what I have.  A friend asked me what I wanted recently, and I didn’t have a clue of anything that I needed.

I HAVE had wonderful, life changing experiences.  And they will always be there with me, with more to come.  Each experience has had their moments of joy, pain, ecstasy and tears, but each has been unique and forever memorable.

I’ve learnt a few things in life.  Some though teachings, some though other people’s experiences, and some through my own.    There’s a student in me that is forever in thirst for new learning, and at times, the results may not be good but I always learn.

I HAVE been able to live out many passions in life.  Be it a passion for certain people, travels, or life changing experiences, I’ve been fortunate.  I just had an opportunity to begin work on one of my passions to work with underprivileged kids.  A friend allowed me to volunteer at a career fair of sorts in the peninsula, which allowed me to work a little with 15-16 year olds.  It’s a dream I’ve had for a while – investing in “Intellectual Capital” for a living.

You get the idea.  It sure looks like I’m living my personal legend.  Or is it various personal legends?  Either way, if I step back a little, it sure looks like life TODAY is either presenting me with the life as I wanted in a legend, or the opportunity to take a step towards it.  One thing is clear to me… I HAVE BEEN LIVING MY PERSONAL LEGEND SO FAR IN MY LIFE, and there’s never a reason nor a desire to ever change anything in the past.

As for the future, I know that if I want something as a personal legend, the entire universe conspires in helping me achieve it.  I do have to work for it, and also be open to receiving help from the universe.

Finding Peace

I recently read something that rang very true with me.

"PEACE does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work.  It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart."

I’ve lived a very peaceful life over the last several months.   I’ve tried to not generate much noise myself, get into any unwarranted trouble, and of course, worked hard – both personally and professionally.  And even with some very major life changes over the last year, life was peaceful. 

I have always said that I love waking up with a smile, and not in a rush or panic about what I needed to get done that day.  Over the last several months, I have liked going to bed after having reflected on the day, realizing that it had been a good day.  Some days were better than others, but one thing that was consistent was about the start and end of the day – they were both in peace.

Looking back, my conscious being was quite grounded.  I was living a simple life, slowing down my thoughts.  I hadn’t necessarily reduced things I did, I just didn’t think about them as much.  I stopped watching the news, choosing to read instead about what was going on – giving me the ability to choose what I wanted to let in.

I found myself in admiration of the beauty in the world.  Nature, rain, people, traits, a loving embrace or a hug… there was a lot of goodness in the world.  And the only way I was able to look at life that way, was by accepting the fact that my life was only meaningful when it was connected to my tribe.  I was able to form a community, a tribe I could be a part of.    Not a tribe I led, or controlled – just one where I could be.  My community had my friends, family, colleagues – and the purpose of the tribe was care, support, and companionship.

I was happy being a part of a larger community, where I chose to have my opinions, but was also able to accept those of others.  I was able to accept that I was wrong at work at times, had to apologize for my behaviors in my social life, and accept challenges with dignity.  Instead of finding issues with things that didn't go my way, I was able to take it as a lesson on what I needed to learn about my own behavior and traits.

It sure sounds like I was just being, but the amazing part is the fact that I, along with members of my tribe, been able to accomplish more in the last year than I have in a long time.  The end results have been far better, measured by any yardstick.

I never know what I’ll write about when I start, and I simply let my thoughts flow.  I am sure the reason for the text above is because I feel like my peace is being challenged in some way.  It could be because maybe I’ve been trying to not accept what my inner being was telling me, and wanting things to go my way, on my time ☺.  Maybe the answer lies in being a little more humble, and getting my thoughts away from my own self, and onto someone else who I could be of help to.

I miss some things about the noise, the trouble, and the hard work as it used to be.  At times I miss the loudness of a noisy restaurant on a Thursday night with the fellow revelers.  At times, I miss the pride and recognition that came with the thought of being someone –without my tribal identity.  At times, I miss being able to be a complete brat.

But in all honesty, my tribal life - with a select group of friends, loving family, and the ability to trudge through life with them, hand in hand – gives me something I crave the most and am not willing to trade – peace.

Sweet Nothing!!!

It’s Monday morning, and I haven’t had a weekend like I just had in a long, long time.  It felt very balanced, and I feel simply wonderful.

I heard someone read out an article yesterday titled “Sweet Nothing.”  It spoke of how our lives today have become so rushed, that we barely have time to enjoy the little things in life.  We rush from one place to another, one person to another, and are always on the move – if not physically, then emotionally. 

I thought about my life just a year ago.  I was “busy” all day.  I wanted to be busy all day.  I wouldn’t know how else to be? 

I took immense pride in being busy.  I envied people who were busier than I was, and those that could manage to take time out of their busy lives.  I knew I shouldn’t add more to my plate, but I felt I could handle it, and I craved being busier – or was it the sigh after a long period of being busy that I craved?  I got angry with myself for not being busy enough, and for being too busy?  Being busy was the way to being successful, but yet, I would only get busy right before a deadline, because it made me feel highly productive, even though I had been procrastinating for a few days.

I got to think a little about what exactly kept me so busy.  And I realized that it wasn’t that I was busy in my entirety, I felt busy because my mind seemed to constantly be in motion, or in the process of thinking about being in motion.  My body was simply trying to keep up with the mind, since it didn’t have a mind of it’s own?

I was reminded yesterday of life when I was a 12 year old.  I would come back from school, and when asked – What did I do all day?  What did I want for dinner?  What homework did I need to work on?  What was I thinking about?  My true response was “Nothing”.  I just wanted to be.  I was happy to just be.  Being was good enough. 

How was it that in my formative years, I was accepting of just the way things were?  How was I able to not have to entertain every thought, not respond to every thought, not act or resist acting on – every thought?  I was able to have the thought be just that – not a command to get busy working on it!!!

I don’t know for sure, but I’d sure like to have some of that back.  I realize I have responsibilities now that I didn’t have before, and life as a young adult is not the same as life as a teen.  But reading what I just wrote above, being “BUSY” reminds me of the seven deadly sins, and being accepting reads like true happiness.  I realize these are 2 extremes, and I need to balance my life along the spectrum somewhere.

Like giving up chocolate for lent, allowing my mind to not want to act on every thought or feeling, giving it a break for a short period of time every so often?

Identity - An Abstract Painting of Life?

Work got the better of me over the last 3 weeks, but I expect to blog more consistently moving forward.  As expected, after my 2 week trip to India, getting home to San Francisco and settling back at work took a little getting used to.

On the 20 hour flight back, I started to reflect on my life in its entirety.  That led to a few weeks of deeper reflection in an attempt to discover who I had really been, and who I was today.  I’ve always considered myself to be somewhat philosophical, but truly looking back on life – and putting pen to paper was a very interesting experience.

I had a chance to reflect on the earliest memories of my childhood, experiences with the extended family, my adolescent years, the terrible teens…. you get the idea.  It was like I was writing a biography, one that probably no one was ever going to read.  It was written solely for my own reading and reflection.

One of the things that struck me – I had been a complex, yet a very simple individual.  My identity could only be defined by the collection of various facets or colors of my life, and no single person could truly say “They Knew Me”.  Sure, there were colors of my identity that people closest to me had seen, and there were others that people who barely knew me had been a part of.  But, there was no one person who could claim that they had seen or heard of it all, and there was no part of my life that wasn’t shared with someone else.

I asked myself – are the various colors of my identity tied to various circles of trust?  Circles that intersect, but never overlap? Or maybe I had just been doing a lot of abstract painting of my life, extremely abstract.  No brush, no paint, no canvas, just thinking about it?

Either way, even though the result wasn’t something that I could proudly display above my fireplace, it was something I could hold on to, because it was my TRUE IDENTITY – as defined today. 

What I found was that my life in some ways had been very simple – awesome childhood, loving parents, great schooling, professional and material success – I had been very fortunate.  In other ways, life had been incredibly complex in each of the stages of my life.  As I dug deeper, being completely honest with myself about each memory, each incident, each action, each reaction, I began to appreciate the complex life we live on the inside.  I began to appreciate the power of our thoughts, and realized how my thinking had led me to make the biggest mistakes in my life, and to the sweetest victories. 

The other fact I faced was- given that my thoughts have and will continue to drive my actions, does it make sense to establish various circles of trust to bounce some of the thoughts off?  Does is make sense for me to share some of the thoughts with people who know about that color of my identity?  Or do I rely for the most part on my conscience and inner being like Malcolm Gladwell suggests in “BLINK”…….

And while my life TODAY doesn’t necessarily touch most of the colors of my identity, having gone though the exercise over the last few weeks, I have a better idea of how I have acted and reacted to situations in life, and I have the ability to use that experience to shape my identity over the years to come. 

Maybe, with time, I can put paint to canvas, and paint my life with colors of my past that I’d like to see shine.  And while the painting will most likely still be very abstract, and probably not for display to the world -- I like the idea of having the ability to share it with a few people.